AND ORDER IS RESTORED!
You drove me to drink Unk. I'm blamin' you entirely for my weekend of drunken excess and making a show of meself sitting on pub steps wailing "UNK! HE'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GONNNNNNNNNE!" *sobs* I'm now the talk of the neighbourhood
:
"Does her hubby know about this Unk?"
"Well he will now once this gets round!"
"Did YOU know about this Unk?"
"Don't look at me like that, I've never heard of him!"
"Is it a 'him'?"
"Do you think 'Unk' sounds like a woman you wassock?"
"UNK! It's short for Uncle, has her Uncle died?"
"Blimey, one-brain-cell could have sussed it, he's her Uncle"
"Nah, she's only got one Uncle left and he's fine, saw him down the Parrot with his floosie. Besides she doesn't even like the miserable old bastard - her words! Though she pretends she does 'cos he's loaded like"
"Can't be him then"
"Wait, wait, what's her cat called again? It'll be her cat!"
".... her cat's a girl and called Misty"
"Don't you roll your eyes at me! It was only a suggestion, more than you've come with!"
"So who the feck's this 'Unk' then?"
"Sounds like a bloody foreigner to me"
"Shut up Brexit!"
"Aw Christ she's curled up in the doorway hugging her bottle wailing now!"
"She's a bloody embarrassment! Last time I saw her this bad was when John Stape left Corrie"
"Aye, she loved that accidental murderer all right"
"Well ... all the lad wanted to do was teach. I've always blamed Rosie Webster"
"Aye, me an all. And Fiz. Bitches"
"Well he sounds like a bad 'un to me"
"Who, John Stape?"
"don't let Lotty hear you say that!"
"NO this bloody Unk who ever he is!"
"Hey, he's not the fella that's got the kebab shop is he?"
"No you plonker, she wouldn't touch him with someone else's - have you seen him? Walt Disney couldn't draw it!"
"Hang on, hang on ... I think he sounds like an Irish Welshman meself, just the kind of trick they would pull. Goin' off and leaving you in the lurch! I used to know one, right dodgy character. Had this right vicious Westie and used to hang around somewhere called the Dog and Biscuit ..."
"....
THE DOG AND BISCUIT!!! Oh. My. God!!!"
"What's the matter? You've gone white - which is a canny feat considering you're Nigerian"
"PARENTS are Nigerian, I'm Geordie!"
"You've never heard of it?"
"What?"
"THE DOG AND BISCUIT!"
"NO!"
"Spill..."
"It's a dive. Decent people end up toast - literally. It's dark. Oppressive. Dirty little windows with damp oozing through the walls. The smell, OMG the smell! There's a sign above the door 'Abandon all hope'..."
"Hope?! There's a Hope in Corrie isn't there? John Stape's daughter!"
"SHURRUP!!!!"
"'... ye who enter here'! That place is your worst nightmare come true. Society's unwashed, unwanted, muckiest, evilest, vilest and unloved congregate there to worship the ale and the black pudding crisps while they plot their blackest and darkest deeds. They all have a familiar, this fella's sounds like his Westie, but even the devil himself thinks twice before he steps his cloven hoof in there. They cut your throat for just looking through the window. When the door creaks open the blood ooooozes onto the street from the 5 murders in the last half hour ..."
"Why man ya big jessie! Doesn't sound that bad! Just like the Bigg Market on a Friday neet!"
"I'm surprised at you gettin' all woosie like that considering you've been in the Crooked Billet up Scotswood Road! This Dog and Biscuit sounds quite interesting actually ..."
"OK just saying. But I'm buggered if I'm standing here all night, get her in a taxi, if MrL asks who the hell Unk is say it's their dog and he's gone missing"
"I'm sure he'd know if he's got a dog called Unk!"
"This is MrL we're talking about, he'll be so pissed by now he'll believe it and wake up tomorrow asking if Unk's come back yet!"
"Christ, if she's like this for this 'Unk' what's she going to be like when Phelan leaves?!?!!?"
"
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