Rovers Job Ad

[J-B]

Now Hiring... Backstreet pub with about 10 regulars and twice as much space behind the bar as in front of it.

If you're looking for a rewarding new challenge pulling non-descript pints of no particular brand, unlimited breaks and days off, then this role could be perfect for you. Management support is excellent, you get not one - but two - screaming harpies poking their nose into your business. For the right candidate, superb career progression is available: You too could be the latest in a long line of 'ME BEST BARMAID's.

The ideal candidate will:
- Have left a decent professional job in Italy, looking for something a little more braindead.
- Have awful people skills. The previous incumbent 'ME BEST BARMAID', Saint Tina McIntyre, perfected the art of assaulting and berating customers at the drop of a hat.
- Have a daughter a decade older than you.
- Shack up with the campest bloke on the street.
- Family must have weird incestuous tendencies.

To apply, pop in and ask for a trial shift.

[Deleted]

Great stuff matey, quality post that.
All I could possibly add is ...

* Must have a bad attitude problem
* Must be a slut
* Must be handy with their fists
* Must have a mouth like the Mersey tunnel
* Must look upon rancid Liz as a mother figure
* Must be prepared to knock-off married men
* Must be ready to wander the cobbles to fetch a pint of milk eight times per shift
* Must have dreadful time keeping
* Must take more breaks than Lorraine Kelly
* Must have an expression like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle

... if you think all of that applies to YOU ... then you too could be ... ME BEST BARMAID!

[Oldnjaded]

Sounds right up my street!  I can't wait to help Tony and TracyLuv throw Granny McMutton out on the street with all her manky bling, tinsel and belt-skirts and grind them all into the mud. 
Then I'll probably start treating Boss-eyed Tony like shite until he's begging me to sleep with him.   A week later me and Tone will throw TracyLuv out into the street too and my name will go up above the door. 

[roverman]

Love it!

-be able to wander the cobbles in high heels and never complain
-allowed to answer their phone whilst at work
-despite only being 4 foot 11 they can reach the top shelf of the optics

[Deleted]

Must have an ample bosom
Must dress in the most stylish clothes even if you`re living on the bones of your arse on barmaids wages
Must treat the customer like crap and still expect a tip

[Deleted]

Must be able to throw beer over customers and ensure they are soaked if you feel they have disrespected you in any way. You will not expect to be sacked or warned for this, just told to get in the back and probably sent home so you can enjoy the rest of the day. You can expect to return the next day, keep your job beause you are succh a "good worker" and revert to being rude and obnoxious.
Must be able to stand around, preferably with arms folded, or go and sit down with customers to discuss yourself, irrespective of how busy the bar is.
Expect to take constant days off, feign sickness or umpteen trips to the dentist while you do personal things
Never smile or greet customers, just scowl and slop their drinks about
Snog or paw your partner in full view of the whole pub