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Wheels
Mar 9, 2016 17:00:27 GMT
Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2016 17:00:27 GMT
I should probably leave Wheels alone for a bit now I'm thinking, I seem to have really laid into her today.
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Wheels
Mar 9, 2016 18:49:34 GMT
Post by Charley Says... on Mar 9, 2016 18:49:34 GMT
Excellent Uncle Q... I now know what you do all day when your not on here...
Pissing my sides...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 23:22:52 GMT
I'm surprised there's been no additional abuse for Wheels on here. Surprised and disgusted.
I'm left wondering exactly what kind of persona we have lurking on here.
A persona where it's perfectly acceptable to ride around in a free, government go-cart all day, faking pain and illness, demanding class c's, bongs and Rizlas, and ignoring children you've stolen from folk with comic eyebrows.
Is that really the society decent folk like me now live in?
Is it???
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Wheels
Mar 12, 2016 23:26:59 GMT
Post by wallis on Mar 12, 2016 23:26:59 GMT
She is completely wasted Unk believe you me..........
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2016 23:51:34 GMT
I was in the Rovers the other day, and cheekily let off a banger.
Wheels shot out of her chair and ran and hid beneath the dart-board.
Yeah, make of that what you will.
Funny thing was, none of the factory lot suspected that was where their 'Lottery Syndicate' money had disappeared to. Even though she was smoking a Cuban Havana Cigar at the time.
You know the kind, £300 quid a pop, rolled on the thigh of a virgin, and all that.
Yep, they didn't suspect a thing. They still didn't when she left in that Rolls Royce.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2016 16:36:58 GMT
Wheels last night, trundling into the cab office like she did.
I half expected her to say ... "Large cod, chips, loads of extra batter bits, and go easy on the mushy peas please?" The disgusting pot-head.
Instead, there she was, barely able to see over the counter with her upside-down mouth, lecturing Horrible-Eileen on Phelan. Like you'd take relationship advice off that virgin.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2016 16:53:28 GMT
[Cue Music ... "Who Wants To Be A Million-aiiiirrrrrre .... MILLIONAIRE!"]
Chris Tarrant: "Hi and welcome back to tonight's edition of ... Who Wants To Be a Millionaire"
(clap clap clap)
CT: "We've got Wheels in the hot seat ... she tells us she wants to win ten thousand pounds to ... (ahem) ... pay off her dealer ... (chortles) ... but we're sure she's joking (chortles)"
Wheels: "Eh?"
CT: "Ok then, let's play ... Who Wants To Be a Millionaire ... Wheels, question number two of fifteen ... for two hundred pounds ... Which of the following is a well-known and much-loved television entertainer and didgeridoo player ... a) Rolf Savile ... b) Rolf Hall ... c) Rolf Harris ... d) Rolf Cyril Smith?
Wheels: "Errrrrrrr ... I know this ... erm ... ummm"
CT: "Take your time"
Wheels: "Errrrrmm ... ummmmm ..... errrrrrrrr ... I'm thinking ... mmm ... Rolf Savile ...Chris?"
CT: "You used up two of your lifelines on question number one about Roger Rabbit, but you still have Phone-a-Friend"
Wheels: "Errrrm ... yes ... can I phone Anna please Chris?"
CT: "You certainly can ... "
(ring ring ... ring ring)
Anna: "Hello? ... Is that you Faye Luv? Where's those flaming Fish Fingers I sent you out for?"
CT: "Anna? ... Hello ... Anna ... It's Chris Tarrant here on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire ... We've got Wheels with us ... she's doing very well ... but with your help she could do even better ... "
Anna: "If that's you playing silly beggars Phelan, I'm going to the flaming police this time ... YOU HEAR ME?!!"
CT: "Ho ho (chortles) ... Nope, it's really me ... Chris Tarrant ... Anna, the next voice you'll hear will be Wheels ... she'll tell you the question, there are four possible answers ... one of them is worth two hundred pounds ... alright Wheels, good luck ... your thirty seconds starts ... now! ... "
Wheels: "Hi Anna ... it's me"
Anna: "Ooh Izzy luv ... it is you ... awwww ... how are you sweetheart? ... I've only just got in myself ... that chip pan in t'caff was a bastard to clean tonight ... I don't know what Roy was thinking ... honestly I don't ... then that Michael came wobbling in at two minutes to six wanting a cup of flaming tea ... I felt like pouring it over his flaming 'ead"
Wheels: "Yeah ... erm listen Anna ... Which of the followi ... "
Anna: "Oh ... what you havin' for your tea Izzy luv? ... We're 'aving Fish Fingers when R-Faye finally gets her flaming carcass back here ... honestly luv, you'd 'ave thought I'd sent her to Timbuktu not Dev's ... I'll bloody brain 'er I will ... "
Wheels: "Yeah ... So ... Which of the following ... "
(buzzer sounds)
CT: "Aaaggghhh ... Oh well ... Give her a big round of applause everybody ... Wheels goes away with nothing"
Wheels: (sobs)
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Wheels
Mar 17, 2016 18:48:18 GMT
Post by Charley Says... on Mar 17, 2016 18:48:18 GMT
Brilliant Uncle Q... Sheer class...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2016 19:20:46 GMT
It's like my own personal thread this, I shudder to think what show Wheels will be popping up on next ... !
I really hope it's not Richard & Judy, her and Madeley will be off shop-lifting together before poor Judy's had her first panic attack.
(or before her tits have fallen out again)
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Wheels
Mar 17, 2016 19:22:43 GMT
J-B likes this
Post by Charley Says... on Mar 17, 2016 19:22:43 GMT
It's like my own personal thread this, I shudder to think what show Wheels will be popping up on next ... ! I really hope it's not Richard & Judy, her and Madeley will be off shop-lifting together before poor Judy's had her first panic attack. (or before her tits have fallen out again) Madeley doesn't do much shop lifting nowadays Uncle Q... Not since he got a new vice... Necking with his daughter...
to_vomit
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Wheels
Mar 17, 2016 19:28:04 GMT
Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2016 19:28:04 GMT
PMSL!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wheels
Mar 18, 2016 3:27:29 GMT
Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2016 3:27:29 GMT
Yeah right. Like Wheels would have won the fast finger round to be a contestant. As if. Not to take anything away from your brilliant post though Unk
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Post by J-B on Mar 18, 2016 19:13:43 GMT
I'd pay good money to see a one man sketch show starring Wheels, as written and performed by Uncle Quentin
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2016 15:35:28 GMT
Wheels has been up to yet more shenanigans I see. Saw her on the tele again yesterday, she was on 'Dickinson's Real Deal' this time.
("Ding ding ding ding ding-ding-ding-ding")
David: "Hi and welcome back to Dickinson's Real Deal ... today we're coming to you from the Bistro in Weatherfield ... where our dealer Jo Brayshaw is with Wheels ... "
Jo: "So what have you brought in for us today Wheels?"
Wheels: "Erm ... a three-year old kid"
Jo: "Oh is this him, what's his name?"
Wheels: "Baby Jerk"
Jo: "Oh ... right ... er ok, well let's see ... well he's not in mint condition ... nor an antique of course ... but he will have some value ... where did you get him from?"
Wheels: "My dad bought him off Tina"
Jo: "Erm ... oh ... ok ... and how much did your father pay for him Wheels?"
Wheels: "Twenty grand"
Jo: "Crikey I see ... well I doubt I can match that, but let's see what I can put onto the table ... there's twenty, forty, sixty ... how does sixty pounds sound to you?"
Wheels: "No, I need more"
Jo: "Oh ... well ... I think I can go to ... oh let's see ... here's eighty, one hundred ... and here's another fiver ... so that's one hundred and five pounds ... and I think I'm where I want to be now if I'm honest"
Wheels: (sobs) "No it's not nearly enough"
Jo: "Ahhh ... here comes David ... "
David: "Well we've got Wheels here ... and she's sat with our dealer Jo, who I see has put down a hundred and five pounds for this street urchin"
Jo: "I think it's a fair offer David ... I need to make a small profit"
David: "Well that's true Jo ... and our independent valuers say one hundred and fifty to two hundred pounds ... and with all due respect ... I thinks it's fair to say he's not a bobby-dazzler ... so could we do better with this orphan at the auction? ... Hmmm it's a gamble Wheels ... and you have to remember there'll be commission deducted ... plus the police could be called ... "
Wheels: "But I need my twenty grand for him back ... or ten ... as I'm in so much pain ... (gurns) ... (sobs) ..."
David: "The Duke's advice is to snatch up that money young lady ... and get yourself off home sharpish ... and that folks ... is the real deal"
Wheels: "Ok ... (gurn) ... but hang on ... wait ... I have something else to sell too ... a motorised wheelchair"
David: "Lordy ... good grief ... hey ... can somebody get this woman up off the floor??"
Wheels: (sobs)
Jo: "Has anyone seen my new Rolex watch? ... I had it on a minute ago when I shook hands with Wheels"
("Ding ding ding ding ding-ding-ding-ding")
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2016 17:17:25 GMT
(cue music and the audience clapping)
Jeremy Kyle: "Morning guys ... welcome to the show ... now you might remember my first guest today from a previous show ... she says ... 'No Gary, I didn't sell our son, he left home to join the Foreign Legion' ... brave lady ... we've got lie detector results coming up ... Wheels is on the show again everybody ... "
(clap clap clap)
Wheels: "Hi again Jeremy"
JK: "Hi sweetheart ... so your vindictive ex Gary tells us you sold his three-year old son for crack ... we've got a statement from him ... he says ... 'Jeremy, I suspect my ex of selling our son Jerk, he's simply disappeared, and suddenly she's got a whole carrier-bag full of weed and her kitchen-bin is full of expensive chocolate wrappers like 'Munchies' and 'Cadbury's Bournville' ... yet she hasn't been to work in months' ... what have you got to say about that Wheels?"
Wheels: "It's not true ... baby Jerk left home to join the circus (sobs)"
JK: "Eh, the circus?? ... Hey hang on a moment there love ... you told a member of my team that he joined the Foreign Legion ... and now you're saying the circus ... why do people like you always think it's ok to scrounge off hard-working people like us, eh?"
Wheels: "Erm yeah ... err no ... he joined the Foreign Legion circus in Blackpool ... Tennessee ... Texas ... at err ... three o'clock in the morning ... because I was erm ... having a new washing machine delivered"
JK: (lies down on the stage groaning) "Hands up everybody ... Who thinks this vile scumbag is lying??"
(all hands go up)
Wheels: (gurns) ... (sobs) ... "But I'm telling the truth (sobs)"
JK: "You disgust me ... you wouldn't know the truth if it hit you across the head with a mallet ... I'd walk barefoot to the moon on my hands and knees to see my kids ... it says Jeremy Kyle on the wall"
Wheels: "I not lying ... he's a Sergeant-Corporal now ... he phoned me last week from Runcorn"
JK: "Dan ... hand me those lie detector results would you ... so are you gonna pass this Wheels?"
Wheels: (sobs) "Yes ... I'm not a liar ... you can ask all them at the factory whose money I stole and then denied stealing if you don't believe me"
JK: "Our lie detector expert asked you two questions ... First one ... Did you sell baby Jerk for drugs? ... you said ... 'No, I didn't' ... why did you say 'No' Wheels??"
Wheels: "Because I was telling the truth ... you can ask Anna"
JK: "Well it says here you're a dirty little liar madam ... "
(Boooooooo!!!!!!!!)
Wheels: (wails) ... (gurns) ...
JK: "We also asked you ... did you steal that packet of Hob-nobs that went missing from Dev's shop ... you said 'No' ... well well well ... it's what we call a full house ladies and gents ... you were lying on that one too weren't you you horrible woman??"
Wheels: "I didn't do it ... Kim Tate said I could have them because they were broken (sobs)"
JK: "Get this filthy piece of scum off my stage will you ... go on ... get out of here ... GO!"
(Boooooooooo!!!!!)
JK: "I guarantee you ladies and gents ... in one week, one month, or whatever ... somebody will say to me ... 'You know what Jeremy, she's admitted to stealing those biscuits and selling baby Jerk' ... I guarantee it ... anyway, coming up in part two ... we've got a devastated gentleman here saying ... 'I've cheated on my toothless wife eighteen times, but if she's been flirting with the postman then it's all over' ... poor guy ... more lie detector results coming up folks ..."
(cue music and the audience clapping)
"The Jeremy Kyle Show is sponsored by Foxy Bingo"
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